HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Oh Wait, We're A Little Late For That

Well, here you have it folks, we’ve reached the third and final installment of our it’s never too late series. Believe me, I know that I’m totally pushing the boundaries of that statement seeing as how it’s Jan 31st and I’m still blogging about New Years. But oh well, what can you do ya know? The neighbors Christmas lights are still on, so I’m gonna keep this holiday posts party going.

New Years Eve was a lot of things this year, it was filled with a range of emotions ranging from excitement to regret, all the way to sickness (wait, is sickness an emotion? Well for all intents and purposes of this blog post it is).  To truly understand why NYE was a total emotional roller coaster, we must first take a look at the day before NYE, it was this day that led to many of the unfavorable emotions that were experienced.  Since it was the last day before my Mom left, we decided to have a few friends over to the house and by a few, I mean two; well that didn’t exactly go according to plan.  Somewhere along the line, someone (being me) decided that since Mom was leaving on NYE, we could use this as an opportunity to celebrate with friends we wouldn’t see on the holiday due to having no sitter. Probably not the smartest idea, but hey, what’s done is done.

So our two turned into about 12 and we got the party started!!! It was a great time, we really enjoyed the company, the drinks, the laughs, the drinks, the entertainment, and of course the drinks.  Can you guess which one of those things led to the majority of our discomfort the next day? I’ll give you a hint, it wasn’t the freaking laughs! The issue at hand here is that we had to be up at 7am to take my Mom to the airport, the fact that we didn’t go to bed until 3am presented a bit of a problem.   We woke up, but boy it wasn’t pretty, that’s all I’m gonna say about the subject.

My Mom’s plane took off at the same that Ty’s plane landed, it was perfect.  Or so we thought.  While in route to the airport, Fefe got notification that Ty’s plane had been delayed, his pilot was sick.  Fortunately, it was only an hour delay , so the timing still worked.  Meanwhile back at the homefront, Tre was finally waking up and that meant trouble for me because i was stranded on hangover island.  I mean it was so bad that the boy asked for gummies and i told him no, because it was too early for candy. Fast forward 20 mins and Tre says that he was hungry, I couldn’t phantom how close to death getting up and making breakfast would push me, so I hit an all-time Daddy low; I told Tre to go get some gummies for breakfast.  Smh, I know I know, please don’t think less of me, I was in dark place in my life.  As you could can see, we were in dire need of Fefe’s return.

Unbeknownst to me, Fefe wasn’t fairing to well, that one hour delay had turned into a 3hr delay.  The fact that the airport is 45 mins away from our home, coming back for a little rest wasn’t very practical.  However, practicality got thrown out of the window due to a wardrobe malfunction that Fefe experienced while en route to the airport. I know you’re wondering what type of malfunction she experienced, well all I’ll say is: an article of her clothing was soiled by a liquid substance, a liquid substance that could be classified as a bodily fluid, a bodily fluid that exits the body via the oral cavity.  Well I guess I pretty much painted that picture for you…moving on.

So Fefe came home, changed clothes, left right back out, returned two hours later with Ty and all was right with the world again.  Both of our hangovers were subsiding and we were extremely excited that Ty was back.  Now we could finally put a close to our 2011 Christmas chapter.  Ty was totally excited to see all of his gifts, but what nearly brought a tear to my cheek was the fact that he was even more excited about seeing all of us.  He took time out to give each of us hugs and kisses before even asking about opening gifts.  I felt that it spoke volumes to his character and it was one of the best Christmas gifts that I received.

We all sat down and gave Ty our full attention as he opened his gifts, it was like Christmas morning all over again.  A fascinating discovery was made during this time: wine and wrapping doesn’t mix (remember this from part 1?)  Apparently, Santa’s little helpers thought it was a good idea to give Ty a Xploderz gun from Fefe and I, but have Santa give him the ammo.  Another screw up came when the name tag on the gift said from Santa, but the actual gift said from Nani.  Luckily, we were able to circumvent these mistakes and keep Ty’s belief in Santa intact.  All in all, we had a great second Christmas and although it didn’t erase the fact that Ty wasn’t with us on the actual day, it did make up for it.

Never seen a kid so happy about a coffee mug

When it actually came time to ring in the New Year, we were so exhausted that there was no “party” left in us.  Ty was sleep, Fefe was half way there, I was considering moving one of the clocks ahead so we could just get it over with.  Tre was the only one ready and excited to ring in the New Year.  He was pumped as if 2012 was gonna be his year and his year alone!  We made it to watch the ball drop, toasted with some champagne, kissed, and then lights out.  By 12:14 we were all sleep.  It’s sad really, but hey, it gives us a whole lot of room for improvement next year.

Ready For The Big Moment

BOTTOM'S UP!!!!

#11 When The Wind Blows

When the wind blows, we move with it

Have you heard the news??? If you follow my Twitter or Facebook, then no doubt, you probably have.  If not, then start following, so that you aren’t the last to the party next time.  Okay, time to fill you in: We’re moving!!!!!!  No, not the Daddy’s Fish Bowl site, but our actual residence.  Our family is packing up and high tailing it from the great state of North Carolina all the way across the country to the Twin Cities in Minnesota.  Well I guess that isn’t all away across the country (I was never good in geography), but hey you get the point.

#10 One Man, One Saw, One Tree 

December is here and boy did it come around quick this year. As most of you may know, December is my month of the year; although, that may change now that I’m back in a cold climate area. But Christmas is in December and it’s my favorite holiday, there for December wins “Month Of The Year Award” time and time again. We usually kick off our holiday rituals by going to pick out our Christmas tree together, this year we were able to do something a little different. Instead of going to just pick out our tree, we actually picked it out and cut it down ourselves. What an adventure that was; luckily we all survived and no one injured any vital organs and came back with all limbs intact.

#9 The Boy In The Plastic Bubble 

Never A Good Sign

Last weekend I’m sure many of you saw my frantic tweets about Tre being rushed to the hospital by ambulance and being admitted into the ICU. You would think that seeing your child whisked away strapped to a gurney in an ambulance would be enough to frighten any parent, surprisingly however, I wasn’t shaken at all by the situation. If anything, I was a bit angry because I felt that the doctors and nurses were going extremely overboard. Well it turns out that Tre is quite a bit more fragile than I had ever anticipated and although he made it thru his hospital “bid” and got paroled early for good behavior, he clearly wasn’t put of the woods yet. Apparently the hospital stint was only the first hurdle for us to overcome in a long race against allergies and asthma.

#8 The Cheating Husband

Til Death Do Us Part...Maybe Not

Have you ever been accused of something that you know deep down in your heart, you didn’t do?  Have you tried to explain your side of the story, offering explanations, justifications, and just down right sound logic to no avail?  Only to have your accuser look at you with a condemning look that can make the most innocent man feel guilty.  If you have experienced these things, then you know exactly what I went through last night.  It was a horrible experience; it is over now, although the look on her face was one of distrust after our dialog was finished.  I don’t know where we stand after this, but one thing is for sure: I love my wife and would never break our sacred vows by cheating on her.

#7 The Sexist Toddler: Male Elitism At A Young Age

Boy Dog, Girl Dog, Who Cares Right?

I’m just going to be blunt here; Tre is a toddler sexist. I have to call it how I see it, even if that means bashing my own flesh n blood. The sad part is, I blame myself. Well not really, but whenever something goes wrong with a child, everybody rushes to blame the parents, so I figured I’d beat you guys to it. Apparently he’s been this way his entire life and I’m just now realizing it. Maybe deep down I’ve always known the truth, but did my best to suppress it in hopes that it would go away. However, lately, it has become undeniable; his blatant sexism and total disregard for the opposite sex is now too much to ignore. You may be wondering how is it possible that a toddler, a child so pure, so innocent could be labeled something as harsh as a sexist. Well it’s really pretty simple; he feels that the male persuasion is superior in every way, shape, and form (his words, not mine). How do I know this you say? I know this because Tre refuses to utilize feminine pronouns to address individuals belonging to the female gender. To Tre, everything is he, his, or him, regardless of the sex of the person he’s referring to. I don’t know about you, but to me that seems pretty sexist.

#6 Planes, Trains, & Automobiles 

All Packed & Ready To Go

Fefe & Tre come back to Minneapolis tonight, FOR GOOD this time and I thought it was only fitting to share with you the story of Tre’s first plane ride, train ride, and (Minnesota)car ride; which took place a little over a month ago when we made the trip to Minneapolis for the first time (and what we thought was the last time).  It was actually his second plane ride, but seeing as how he was only a few months old for the first one, I think this trip qualifies as his (un)official first trip on an airplane.

As with everything that Tre is involved in, associated with, or a part of, his plane ride was full of spectacle, laughter, drama, and pretty much plain ole pure entertainment.  So sit back, kick your feet up and get prepared to enjoy the Tre Variety Hour (or 15 mins in this case).

#5 Hoarders: The Toddler Edition

A Hoarder & His Stuff (Can You Find Him?)

For most people, breaking up is hard to do.  Whether it’s breaking up with a lover, a close friend, or a trusted colleague, it is never an easy task.  But what about breaking up with personal belongings?  Is that just as difficult as breaking up with a person?  If you ask Tre, his answer will most certainly be YES!  This past weekend, in preparation for our big move, we attacked out attic, as evidenced in the above photo.  During this 2-3 hour marathon cleaning session, we found old toys, old clothes, old pictures, pretty much just all things old!  But for one member of our family, old meant new and this daunting task turned out to be a 1940’s gold rush for him

#4 You Win Some, You Lose Some

Win, Lose, Or Draw?

From the look of the picture above, I guess it’s pretty safe to say that Ty lost this one. I really wish that I could tell you guys that this was an epic battle for the ages, complete with a training montage, Rocky Balboa style; but alas, I can’t. This thing was over before it even got started, I’m talking split second, one hitter quitter, wam bam thank you Ma’am. Looking at that picture, all I can think is, why my boy? What could I have done differently to protect him? The answer to those questions is staring me right in the face; I should have stopped this along time ago.

#3 Imitation Of Life 

Notice Anything Different?

Typically, I open these posts by beating around the bush, starting out with rudimentary questions and examples, ending on a cliffhanger and letting the situation unfold as the post goes on. Well I’m not going to do that today, I’m just gonna get straight to the point. That point is: Tre got his ear pierced this weekend. Yeah it looks cute, yeah he really loves it, and yeah he took the procedure like a champ. But none of that really matters. The only thing that matters in this story is the ‘why’ he got his ear pierced. The reason why he got it pierced can strictly be attributed to the imitation of life.

#2 Stay At Home Mom vs. The Working Dad

and the WINNER is....

Okay DFB family, time for a serious topic here at the bowl. As I write this, I have my vodka & cranberry sitting next to the computer; attempting to recover from the events that just took place in my household. Timeout, I know you may be thinking how dare he bring up a serious topic while under the influence? My response: some of the greatest ideas known to man were created while in a bar & written on a cocktail napkin! I’ve even included a reference. (editor’s note: the events actually took place 2 nights ago.  I guess there was more vodka than cranberry in that drink and I didn’t get a chance to finish the post).

And now for the NUMBER 1 post of 2011….

#1 As Evil As They Come

Apparently, Evilness & Fashion Sense Don't Go Hand In Hand

Have you ever met someone who was just down right mean? When I say mean, I’m talking about borderline evil! I have met such a person, I have looked them in their eyes and lowered my head in shame due to their behavior. It isn’t easy to stare down the face of evil and walk away unscathed, but somebody has to do it, someone has to stand up for the little people, and yesterday, that someone was Ty.

Honorable Mentions:

Coming Home With A Bang

The Naughty List (Part 2)

Well, here we after, still standing after a brutal (brutal meaning mild) snowstorm (snowstorm meaning snowfall). We survived, we made it thru and embraced the snow as if it were a long lost family member that we’ve only seen photos and videos of. When I say we, I should say they, Fefe and the kids. I’m no stranger to the snow and cold, growing up in Buffalo and all, but these guys are born and raised North Carolinians, so making it through the first snow fall deserves a round of applause. Even though we made it through, it wasn’t without a few casualties; so we’ll learn from our mistakes and continue on next time with a higher resolve.

This is in fact the third time that we’ve expected snow this year, the previous two led to disappointment in the kids eyes and relief in Fefe and mine. Earlier in the week when we saw snow in the forecast, we let the boys know of the impending weather conditions and Ty promptly responded with: “well we’ll see about that, it’s probably just not gonna happen again”. I felt bad for him, this kid has been looking for snow since early September (which I hear isn’t too far off base for this part of the country) and it was mid November and he was still coming up empty handed. When Saturday finally got here, I think that I was probably looking out the window up at the sky just as much as Ty was, sad I know.

Midway through the day, the snow actually started falling and before any even hit the ground Ty was already asking if the pond in our backyard was frozen. Um, not yet buddy, it’s gonna be a while. By the time that there was a light dusting on the ground, both boys were asking if they could put on their snow pants and boots so they can go out and play: hold your horses cowboys, give it time young grasshopper. The snow was falling at a pretty steady pace, so within an hour it was time to let it rip.

In preparation for the snow festivities, I went out and purchased shovels and sleds and all that good stuff that we never ever dreamed of needing in North Carolina. So once it was time, I was all set to go; and go we did. We ran outside, picked up snow, threw it at each other, sled down hills, shoveled snow into huge piles and jumped in them. We were madmen who had just been set free. And then, just like that, we lost one; Tre was gone, down for the count. He said that it was cold out here and he was going back in the house. He lasted for 15 minutes. Ty was a trooper though, he bested Tre’s time by an additional 5 whole minutes. But boy oh boy did those 5 minutes cost him. By the time Ty went in the house, he was in tears because his hands where so cold. 20 minutes in the snow and the kid is crying? Yup, it’s going to be a long winter folks.

So far, you’ve heard about the boys first experience with Minnesota snow, but what about Fefe? Did she curl up in a ball and close her eyes hoping it would all be over when she opened them? Did she huddle in a corner with blankets, hot cocoa, and space heaters? It’s what you’d expect right? Well she did none of the above! To welcome her first winter, this crazy woman went out and embarked on a 60 minute horseback ride through the storm. We had scheduled this date a while back and I just knew for sure we were gonna be out of some cash as soon as I saw snow in the forecast. No way was she going to leave the house in this weather, let alone perform an activity in it. But she shocked me, Fefe said the show must go on, and go on it did. I was impressed, she didn’t complain, didn’t cry, and actually had a great time.

My First Time On A Horse. Fefe

In case you weren’t keeping score, we have: Tre with 15 minutes in the snow, Ty with 20 minutes in the snow (but points deducted for crying), and Fefe with 60 minutes in the snow. Last week, if you would have told me that Fefe would have been the one to spend the most time in the snow during our first storm, I would have called you a crazy person. But here we stand, snowstorm behind us, and the person that wanted the snow the least actually handled it the best. Ty and Tre, you guys could learn a lot from this woman!

Oh, as for that casualty that I spoke of earlier? Fefe did spend the entire next day sick in bed. I guess you can say she won the battle, but lost the war.

Addicted To Apples

Don’t eat them because they are tainted, tainted with some sick mind altering gadget love potion. That has to be the case, because I am totally addicted to Apple products; yup I’m a fanboy and I’m proud to admit it. It’s logical for me to be a fanboy, I’m a gadget guy; hell, my friends even nicknamed me Jetson (because I was so futuristic), but my family on the other hand is a bit less explainable. Apparently, the APPLE doesn’t fall far from the tree (pun SOOOO intended), because not only do my kids love trying to sneak and play on my iPhone, but they also have their own now. It’s crazy, I know; I’m not one to speak ill of those who have passed on, but I honestly thing Steve Jobs was engineering a little more than electronics. I think he was holding the key to biological warfare right within the walls of his headquarters in Cupertino, each new device releases a special pheromone that entices consumers to buy it. That’s not too farfetched is it? How else to you explain my family’s addiction to Apple products?

I’ve had an iPhone for the past 4years now, since their inception, and in my opinion, they just keep getting better. Originally, it was my thing, I was the iPhone guy and Fefe didn’t care what type of phone she had. Then suddenly, things changed. Around my 3rd upgrade, Fefe says: “hey, maybe um, maybe I could have your old iPhone when you get the new one.” I was a bit shocked, because up until that point technology didn’t excite this woman at all. I was pretty thrilled to have an iPhone buddy in the house with me, so I agreed and we went on our happy merry ways.

I’m really strict with my gadgets, so the kids are pretty much forbidden to touch them, but Fefe being less gadgetly anal retentive (whoa, that doesn’t sound too good), allowed the boys to play games and enjoy the benefits of an iPhone. Over the course of a few days, they became addicted. Fefe, noticing her continually diminishing iPhone one on one time, suggested that we give Ty an iPhone for Christmas. WHAT? Give him an iPhone? That was crazy talk woman! She quickly reminded me that I still owned my original iPhone and that even in its beaten (but still functional) state; it would be a perfect gift for Ty. Oh was she right, she couldn’t have been more righter (is that a word?) Ty played with that thing until the battery died, he’d then charge it and go right back at it. But let’s not forget about Tre, he wanted in on the action as well and this led to many squabbles in our household. Ty loved his iPhone, but unfortunately, he didn’t cherish it!

The kid was just plain sloppy with the device, he would misplace it at least twice a week in the house somewhere. Magically, it would always turn up and he would resume his routine activities. One time, while I was in Minnesota and the family was still in Raleigh, I got a phone call from a lady in a grocery store parking lot. She informed me that she had found my son’s phone and wanted to return it. I was totally confused, because in my eyes Ty’s iPhone was more of a gaming device than a phone. After the confusion wore off I thanked her and gave her instructions on how to get in touch with Fefe. We got the phone back, but we both were furious that Ty would be so careless, what made matters worse was the fact that he acted as if he didn’t care that his most prized possession was missing. To teach him the value of his items, we decided to find a new adoptive home for the iPhone, that home was in the loving arms of Tre.

This was only temporary, to show Ty what he would be missing out on if he lost his phone again, but Tre didn’t seem to see it that way. After the week long punishment was over, Tre was forced to give the iPhone back to Ty and you would have thought we took his first born child from him. After witnessing his attachment to the device, we knew what needed to happen. Next upgrade, just push the phones down the line. So not only was I eagerly awaiting the release of the iPhone 5, my entire family was; a new iPhone for me, meant a new iPhone for everyone.

During the many months of waiting, Ty got even more careless with his iPhone: losing it in the ball pit (why he had it, I don’t know), dropping it down stairs, leaving it at friends houses, the list goes on. I guess in hindsight I can’t be too upset with him, especially when you consider that Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree line from earlier. If we look at Fefe’s track record, we can understand Ty’s propensity for lousy phone care. Fefe has left her phone in the movie theater, got it run over by MY car, lost it while leaving the bar, dropped in from 2 stories high, so yeah, I guess Ty can’t be held totally accountable. But in an effort to break the genetic clumsiness chains, we told Ty that if he didn’t take care of his phone, when it came time to upgrade, Tre would be the one getting Fefe’s phone instead of him.

Unfortunately, as you can see from the video below, Ty did not take care of his phone. He rendered it completely useless. So now here we sit, iPhone 4s finally in my hands and Tre is now the recipient of a new phone instead of Ty. He looked extremely upset when the transition from Fefe to Tre was taking place. We told him it would happen, but I guess he felt it wouldn’t actually come true. It may seem harsh that he’s being bypassed in the iPhone chain, but hopefully this will teach him to value his possessions. A few months down the road when the iPhone 5 comes out, we’ll find out if he’s been rehabilitated or not.

The View Of Our First Destination

So yesterday I explained to you guys how the love of my life is pretty much a low down dirty filthy liar.  Some of you may expect this post to detail the terms of our pending divorce.  I mean, how can one man remain married to a woman so unscrupulous as Fefe?  Someone who would lie and deceive her husband, someone who would do whatever it takes to pull one over on him and execute the perfect Father’s Day surprise?  Well I guess all things considered, those crimes aren’t that bad.  It terms of unforgivable martial offenses, what Fefe did would rank somewhere between adultery and having a donkey porn fetish.  So I guess I’ll keep her around a bit longer.  She did provide me with the best weekend that I’ve had in quite some time after all.  The woman outdid herself this year and now that I’ve toyed with you long enough, let’s get into the particulars surrounding Father’s Day 2011.

After the bewilderment wore off and I had my bag packed, we all piled up into her car and set off on our journey.  I still had no idea where we were headed, so I was watching every sign and landmark like a hawk trying to glean any clues that I could.  I was unsuccessful, and a little disappointed in my inability to crack the case.  All of that disappointment flew out of the window when we arrived at Lake Calhoun and Fefe laid out part one of her elaborate plan.  We were there to have a romantic picnic (as romantic as can be with a 3yr old in attendance), take a nice stroll around the HUGE 3.24mi lake while Tre rode his bike, and finally to cap things off, do a little canoeing via a Groupon that she had purchased 3 weeks ago.  WOW, that’s a hell of an agenda and she’s been holding onto all this goodness for over 3 weeks?  Kudos to you lady, I was totally overwhelmed.

Picnic Anyone???

Once we arrived, she popped the trunk where she had secretly stashed a real live picnic basket and blanket.  We’ve gone on picnics before, but always utilized makeshift baskets, having a real one made the moment stand out that much more.  She held no punches with the contents of the picnic; we had sandwiches, snacks, fruit, and even wine.  After we gobbled down the grub, we continued on our walk around the lake while Tre rode his bike.  This activity had dual intentions, the most important being tiring Tre out; too bad it didn’t work out all too well.  The second objective was met however, Fefe and I enjoyed a nice walk with each other, something we hadn’t done in quite some time.

Can you toss a grape and catch it in your mouth? I can...Tre cannot, lol

We didn't let this mutated grape ruin our picnic

The final leg of the first surprise (which I guess makes it the 3^rd surprise in actuality) was the canoeing.  Neither of us had done canoeing before and Tre’s never been on any water vehicle at all, so this was going to be a truly fun, frightening, or dangerous adventure depending on how you look at it.  Luckily my superior paddling skills (read: I have none) kept us afloat.  The last time Fefe and I were in a boat (Kayak) together we couldn’t stop going in circles, I think having only one person command the paddle helped tremendously.  We went under bridges, through tunnels, and visited a family of ducks all without flipping over or getting lost.  To me, the Robertson family had accomplished an overwhelming task in doing so.  After an hour of canoeing, the first surprise was over.  I honestly would have been satisfied ending the day’s festivities then and there, but eagerly awaited my next surprise.

After leaving the lake, Fefe revealed that she had secured a lavish hotel room at the Double Tree for us to enjoy the night.  Again, I was floored by her efforts.  A hotel room was just what we needed, we’ve been yearning for some space of our own as we wait to hear about the purchase of our new home, so some time away in a place to call our own (at least for a night) was right up my alley.  We hit the pool, Jacuzzi, had pillow fights and jumped on beds during our time at the Double Tree, it was a great stress reliever to tell you the truth.

Ruth's Chris Anyone?

The time had now come to utilize those fancy clothes that I was commanded to pack, surprise #3 was dinner at the posh Ruth’s Chris.  Is there anything this woman didn’t plan?  Dinner was great, the steak was awesome, the service was superb, the bill was ENOURMOUS!  Regardless, it was a very nice dinner and a great way to end a fantastic day.

My Little Basquiats Hard At Work

Once Father’s Day actually arrived, Fefe revealed that she would be cooking me that home cooked meal that she had originally promised.  See, all of that name calling in the beginning of this post was apparently unnecessary.   She totally followed through on her promises and more.  Tre presented his gift as well as Ty’s to me first thing in the morning, they both put their artistic skills to the test and painted a butterfly and a dinosaur on canvases, Fefe then took the canvases and placed them in a frame so they could be prominently displayed on my desk at work.  Fefe’s gift was next and it was a very thoughtful one.  Buying gifts for me can be quite a difficult task, like my Dad, I’m the guy who has everything, so what the hell do you get that person?  This year Fefe got me a gift that was thoughtful and out of the norm and I truly loved it.  She researched and found top of the line professional juggling balls as my gift.  Little known secret, in my younger years I used to be able to juggle up to 4(or 5) objects, one of which was an apple that I would take a bite from.  With my new gift, I plan to refresh my skills and hopefully return to my former state of grace.

So that was Father’s Day in a nutshell (a large nutshell), a stark contrast to last year’s horrific events.  Fefe did a great job with all of her planning and surprises and I tip my hat to her.  But of course, not to be outdone, I had a little something up my sleeve as well.  Due to the fact that we were separated for two months and Fefe was pulling double duty as Mommy and Daddy, I felt that it was appropriate to recognize her efforts this year with a small token of affection.  Once the dust settled, I pulled out a small box and presented it to Fefe telling her Happy Father’s Day.  She was totally shocked, she loved her new watch, but couldn’t believe that I would actually share my special day with her.  So in the end, she may have pulled one over on me, but I was the one having the last laugh…Ah so much to learn young grasshopper!!!

Does This Make Up For Last Year's Tragedy???

Father’s Day just passed and luckily, this year, we made it through without any blunt head force trauma, crying, or disappointment. If you’re a bit confused, you may recall last year’s Father’s Day Tragedy and oh what a tragedy it was. Anytime you have swinging golf clubs connecting with human skulls, you’re pretty much destined for a tragedy of some sort. But that’s not what we’re here to talk about today. Today, we’re hear to discuss the 2011 Father’s Day Tragedy! Before you get your box of Kleenex ready, let me warn you, they won’t be needed. This year, Father’s Day was excellent and the only tragedy to discuss is the fact that Fefe finally got the better of me, so my ego was a little bruised. If I had to choose, I guess a bruised ego is better than Fefe having a bruised skull…I guess.

So this year I wasn’t expecting much, oh who am I kidding? I was expecting the world! You guys saw our Father’s Day Gift Guide (still good ideas in there for you late shoppers), well that showed that I had quite a few things in mind that could erase the debacle I endured during the last Father’s Day. Gifts aside, I honestly just wanted to spend time with my family, that’s it, nothing more, nothing less. So when Fefe informed me that the Father’s Day plans would consist of a home cooked meal and maybe renting a movie, I was less disappointed than I normally would be. Although, I did suspect that she was joking and actually had something up her sleeves planned for the weekend.

Fefe held no punches in letting me know that there were no plans. She pulled out the big guns, the excuse book must have been full of highlighter when she was finished with it. She explained that since she had only been back in Minnesota for a week, that she didn’t really know any good places or activities for us to partake in. Fair enough, but I wasn’t taking the bait on that one. I asked about our friend, who has been here for over 2 years, surely he had some suggestions that she could implement. Fefe shot me down there as well, explaining that his only suggestion was Manny’s, the best restaurant in Minneapolis. A restaurant that apparently has $200 appetizers and $90 steaks. A restaurant that we clearly were not going to indulge in. Given this new information, I accepted reality, I became comfortable in the fact that this would be a low key Father’s Day and found no fault in my wife’s inability to plan a grand affair.

Needless to say, she was LYING the entire time! I’m a great liar, some may even consider me to be in the esteemed rank of Con Artist. However, having a liar as a wife wasn’t one of the qualifications on the application when Fefe got the job. Up until now, she’s done a great job at being a horrible liar! Every secret she’s tried to keep, every surprise she’s tried to plan has been foiled by my uber detective skills, general savvy, and overall nosiness. Up until this point, she hasn’t been able to “pull one over on me” at all. But this time, she got me and she got me good. I must say, the student has finally become the teacher, and it definitely stings a little bit to get outwitted.

Since Fefe didn’t have any plans, I decided to take it upon myself to orchestrate a few things myself. On Saturday, I woke up early and took Tre for some quality Father/Son time in order to let Fefe get some well overdue rest. Tre and I went to Toys R Us and had a great time. It’s debatable who had more fun because as I child, I vowed to always be a Toys R Us kid and it certainly isn’t in my character to break a vow! After leaving the store with more bags than we could carry, I got a text from Fefe which sparked a string of text messages that went something like this:

Fefe: Just woke up. Where are you guys?

Me: We’re hanging out. Enjoy your alone time

Fefe: Yeah, but I miss you guys, when are you coming back?

Me: We’ll be back soon. Catch up on your soaps and stuff

Fefe: Well I wanted to spend the day with you guys. I’m already caught up and have nothing to do. I’m bored.

Me: Lol, you’re pitful. I try to give you some time to yourself and you don’t know what to do with it.

Fefe: So you guys coming back?

Me: I guess, sheesh.

Feeling bad that my wife was so hopefully lost without me, I cut our guys time out short and headed home. I was a bit flattered that she so desperately wanted me back by her side, I thought wow, this woman really loves me, she doesn’t know what to do with herself without me. When I arrived at the house, my egotistical views were shot down quicker than a hunter on a outing with Dick Cheney. Fefe was outside waiting for us, fully dressed, which I thought was extremely odd. She scolded me for taking so long to get back, telling me that we’re now off schedule and need to get going. I was instructed to pack a bag, which consisted of at a minimum swimming clothes, overnight, wear, and a dressy outfit. If you’ve never seen a grown man look like a deer caught in headlights, my face would have presented the perfect opportunity. This certainly didn’t sound like the “no plans” weekend that she had previously sworn to me we would be having. Liar Liar Liar!!!!! Also, I later found out that she actually wasn’t caught up on her soaps…it was all a lie and part of her elaborate plan.

Be sure to come back tomorrow to find out what surprises were in store for me to celebrate Father’s Day this past weekend.

For some reason, I had it in my mind that the following statement would play a significant role in this blog post: “the situation went from doom, to gloom, and then back to doom again.  However, I’ve since realized that doom and gloom are both negative attributes.  Therefore, this situations has gone from doom/gloom to “bloom” and then back to doom/gloom again.  There, see that works, it doesn’t flow as well, but damnit, it gets my point across.

So let me start at the beginning: I got a new job, (big surprise there) and our family needed to relocate to Minneapolis.  That’s a troublesome task definitely, but most certainly not a “doom & gloom” task right?  Well in our case it was, because as you may or may not know: Ty is my stepchild.  We don’t make a big deal about this in our family because as I’m sure you can tell from all of my numerous blog posts, I treat him no differently than Tre.  In my eyes, he is my child and that’s all that matters.  Unfortunately in the eyes of his biological father (who will forever be known as “THE SPERM DONOR”), that isn’t the case.

***sidenote: the sperm donor does very little for Ty.  He misses visits, pawns him off on other family members, and did not want to be a part in him life until I became involved***

Now that you’ve read the sidebar, you can see why I have no sympathy or compassion for this individual.  Back to the story…so we informed the sperm donor of our impending move and he protested vehemently.  We were reasonable and considerate with our offer, planning to give him two months in the summer and all breaks when Ty was out of school.  Did I mention that this guy misses his scheduled visits and hardly spends time with Ty when he does get him?  Oh I did, well let’s carry on.  So that was our proposal, a very generous one in my opinion, considering it would give him well over they current amount of time that he was allowed to spend with Ty.   His response to this proposal was a vehement refusal, going as far as to tell us that he would be fighting for full custody…this was two months ago.  Here begins the saga of the ”When Doom Turns To Gloom”.

So we took the logical approach and “lawyered up” (I’ve always wanted to say that phrase).  We Fefe searched high and low for the best lawyer that would give us great results at a reasonable price.  Unfortunately, the “reasonable price” category didn’t offer much in the “expertise” column.  Therefore we ended up hiring a lawyer with a $5000 retainer fee, which was more than double the cost of most practitioners that we spoke to.  Needless to say I was more than pissed that we even had to deal with such as situation for an individual who could give 2 shits (pardon my French) about Ty, but also had to fork over such a hefty sum to ensure the proper outcome which we all wanted was achieved.

Fast forward 8 weeks and you’ll see me on a plane heading back to Raleigh for the TRIAL OF THE CENTURY!!!  Yes, it really took that long to be heard in front of a judge, (please don’t get me started on the NC legal system).  So last week (2wks ago now) I went back for our emergency hearing (if 8 weeks seems like more than an emergency to you raise your hand, ahhh I thought so), our original court date got bumped, nevermind the fact that I took off from work, flew 900 miles in the dead of night and paid a fortune to be here.  None of that mattered, we were on standby.  Two days later our case was finally heard and our lawyer earned every gosh darn penny of that $5k we paid her.  The verdict came back that it was in Ty’s best interest to be with us.  However, the judge ruled that Ty needed to finish the school year out with his current class…a bittersweet victory to say the least.  It was more SWEET than bitter, because the judge ruled that the asshole (again, excuse my French), only get 4 weeks in the summer, a significant reduction to what we originally proposed.

After 3 days of delays and court proceedings, we partied like it was 1999 (don’t look in Prince’s eyes).  We were ecstatic and overjoyed, but we were also perplexed.  Fefe was having a tough time dealing with both boys on her own and we had decided, whatever the outcome of this trial, we would move forward with the move.  So once we received the verdict, the movers were in the process of packing our belongings and had already shipped Fefe’s car to Minneapolis.  Given the “finish school in NC” caveat of the ruling, we decided to let Ty stay with his grandmother until it was time for him to come out and join us.  This wasn’t an easy decision, but it was one that was basically made for us.  Ty would remain behind to finish his kindergarten year and we would be ¾ of a family in Minneapolis.

Our arrangement went on fine for exactly ONE week, until it was time for Ty to visit the sperm donor for his bi-monthly visit.  This visit was over Mother’s Day weekend and he informed Fefe that we would not bring Ty back unless she was there to pick him up.  Calling the police had exactly NO impact at all, as our current court order did not stipulate anything regarding Ty’s grandparents.  Therefore, the only thing that we could do is request that the sperm donor take Ty to school as scheduled.

This is where the SUPER drama comes in.  The sperm donor agreed to take Ty to school and pick him up until he was required by the courts to send him to Minneapolis.  Unfortunately, he decided to deviate from the plan.  This asshole dropped Ty off at school and then returned 60 mins later to un-enroll him from school with 3 weeks left in the school year.

The school’s principle called Fefe and informed her of what was taking place, unfortunately, they were unable to prevent it from happening because the sperm donor had a birth certificate.  Fefe tried countless times to get in touch with the sperm donor to find out what was going on and he refuses to answer his phone.  Leading us to believe that he is trying to abduct Ty.

At this very moment, Fefe is on a plane heading back to NC to do whatever we can to sort this situation out.  I’m afraid, she’s afraid, and we’re asking for all of your prayers and support to help us through this difficult time.

So what are these terrible things you may be asking, well hold on to your seats as I tell ya! Since I’m living the bachelor life, I have to do unthinkable things such as hanging up my own clothes, washing dishes, laundry, and cooking. Oh the horror!!! Don’t even get me started on the food, I should by stock in hungry man dinners and hot pockets right now! Before you all begin to call me a male chauvinistic pig, let me ensure you that I was joking. Yes, at home, Fefe does take care of the majority of those things for me; but I am by no means a stranger to fending for myself, so it’s not that bad. The bad part comes when I realize that I have left her to fend for herself and there’s truly nothing that I can do to physically support her.

Take yesterday for example, because of what she had to deal with all on her own, I felt horrible, helpless even. Tre has been sick for the past few days and hasn’t been sleeping well, which means Fefe has been pulling double & triple duty. Yesterday was the epitome of bad days for Fefe: no sleep, a clingy Tre, a needy Ty and in comes the vomiting and diarrhea. Sounds like one hell of a Thursday night right? Jump to the midwest and I’m out at happy hour, mingling and socializing with 2 for 1 drink special. Quite a contrast don’t you think? So while I’m out here enjoying life, living carefree, my wife is back home where life is going to hell in a hand basket. Imagine the guilt and remorse that I felt, out having a good time while my wife sits at home and suffers. Of course I called and talked to her, offered words of encouragement, and helpful hints. But none of that made a difference, she was still there cleaning up puke and feces, while I was double fisting whiskey’s and cokes.

So as I sat here feeling hopeless, helpless, and hapless, at the fact that I’m not there to ease her workload, I thought about what actions I could possibly take to help Fefe out a bit. Then it hit me, I’ll rally the troops (hint, you guys are the troops). So my request of you today, on this wonderful April fools day, is to take a few moments to let Fefe know what a great job she’s doing. So instead of a joke or prank today, spread a little love & encouragement. Look at it this way, there is no revenge for a few kind words

On this day, 2 years ago, I began serving a life sentence without the possibility of parole.  A life sentence is pretty harsh and is typically reserved for very heinous crimes, such as murder, etc.  I’m no murderer though, and yet here I am 2 yrs in to a life sentence.  What could I have done to deserve such harsh punishment? My only crime was that I fell in LOVE, and because of it, I have been stripped of my basic freedoms.  But unlike most inmates, I’m not protesting my verdict, not searching for a plea bargain, and show no remorse for my actions.

I love being married to Fefe, the love we share is quite honestly one of the best things to happen to me and I wouldn’t trade it in for anything in the world.  Since getting married, we have grown stronger as a couple and our bond has strengthened tenfold.  I’m happy that we made it over the 2 yr hurdle, (did you know that 1 in 12 marriages fail after only 2yrs?) but we aren’t out of the woods yet. They say 7 years is the magic number, if you make it that long you’re pretty much in the clear. I say screw them, our magic number is March 21, 2009, the day we got married.  Like I said, I’m serving a life sentence WITHOUT the possibility of parole, and there’s no one else I’d rather spend it with.

I Love You Fefe