Apparently, “check back tomorrow” means see you in a month, because it was a little over a month ago that I promised you guys Part 2, the thrilling conclusion to our “Taking My Breasts Back” story. I know that you guys are probably sitting there waiting for whatever lame excuse I try to use to explain my bad blogger behavior, but I’ve got news for you guys, this time there are no excuses, only facts. The factual (proven through scientific experimentation) reason that its taken so long to get this blog post out is because unbeknownst to me, I got sucked into some type of time warp that transported me through the space-time continuum in slow motion. I promise you, it was very Inception-ish, so in your minds, it may seem like an entire month has gone by, but in reality it has only been 24 hours since my last post (please disregard all time stamps and any other evidence that refutes my claims). So now that we’re all back together again ONE DAY later, why don’t we just jump right into the story and find out if I got my boobs back or if they’re still under the control of that dastardly (but cute) little monster called KayKay.
Now that I’m an adult with children of my own, I am coming to the realization that “summer” means two completely different things for kids and grownups. For starters, summer doesn’t actually begin this year until June 21, 2014, however if you ask my kids Summer started last Friday which was there last day of school. I find it quite unfair that spring is getting cheated out of completing its contributions to the seasonal calendar. How the hell is spring supposed to earn early retirement if he’s not allowed to work a full shift? OMG, I really am thinking like a responsible adult. To kids, summer means freedom, later bedtimes, and hanging with friends having fun in the sun. To me, summer means more of the same with added responsibilities. I still have to go to work every day so that completely knocks freedom and later bedtime right off the list. As a parent, my social life is pretty much nonexistent, so I only see friends in the bleachers during little league soccer and baseball games; not really my idea of “hanging”. This leads us to “fun” in the sun, yeah sweating my butt off while putting in grueling hours of yard work is totally categorized under the fun category <insert huge dose of sarcasm here>. Clearly as an adult, Summer is no longer all it’s cracked up to be, but that doesn’t mean it can’t still be a fun and exciting time to experience as a family. This year, Fefe came up with the idea of a Summer Bucket List to boost our typical summer experience and I’m really pumped about it.
Welcome back for part 2 of our Agent Santa series. Be sure to catch up on part 1 if you missed it.
Once the lists were created, it was onto phase 2: “Operation Bad Credit”, where all the magic is made. We’re well past the age-old practice of buying gifts and hiding them in the house, too risky. A while back, we switched to ordering everything online, but even that technique has outlived its usefulness. We grew tired of all the questions regarding this box and that box, since the mailman clearly didn’t understand the importance of delivering packages while kids are in school (talk about selfish). Now days, we order gifts online and have them delivered to a friend’s house, this way everything is out of sight; no questions asked. The only problem with this option is the hassle in getting all the gifts to the house and wrapped at the last minute. This is where my super-agent stealth training came in. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to sneak box after box into the house, down 2 flights of stairs into the basement, and to secure them out of sight, without waking up sleeping children? I remember dropping a box at one point and going all Jason Borne and diving behind the couch for cover because I thought the noise startled the boys. Luckily, they didn’t wake up and I didn’t have to use my nerve agent darts.
I’m just going to go ahead and get this out of the way: yes, it is the end of February and yes, this is a post about Christmas. But before, you start throwing around words like crazy, delirious, and psycho; give me a moment to explain myself. I’m none of those things, well maybe a little crazy, but that’s not the driving force behind this “well past its due date” post. The true emotion fueling this late February Christmas post is selfishness. Selfishness is clearly in direct opposition to the meaning of Christmas, but hey at least I’m being honest. Before we move forward, let me elaborate on exactly how my selfishness has led us to this point. Every night as I drive home through my neighborhood, I am forced to view houses that STILL feel the need to showcase their holiday cheer by continuing to turn their Christmas lights on. Really people? We’re exactly two months removed from the holidays and you’re still turning those Christmas lights on? Listen, at this point, the only reminder of Christmas that I expect is when I open my credit card statement each month; I don’t need my neighbors reminding me every day as well. So due to the fact that I’m forced to relive Christmas every evening, I felt that it was only right that I spread the holiday cheer around to my readers as well. I mean, what are friends for if they can’t wallow in each other’s pain? So you see, I’m not actually being selfish; it’s quite the opposite, I’m doing my duty to ensure that each of you are keeping those friendship skills sharp. You can thank me later.
I need to start out by being up front on this one; I am by no means an expert on the following topic. Most of the time, I am a self-proclaimed expert on all things in all places, but when it comes to sibling interactions, I have to claim ignorance. Being the only child, you don’t get much experience with the day to day dealings of brothers and sisters. Cousins are the closest thing you have and if they piss you off, it’s not long before each of you are back in your separate homes and don’t have to see the other for a while. Apparently, that’s not the case with siblings, from what I’ve been told, there is no escape, there is no “un-brother” button ala Facebook. Once you have a sibling, you pretty much have them for life and this can become problematic, based on the stories I’ve heard and things I’ve witnessed.
Today I told Fefe to hit the road. I made her pack her bags and head for the hills. I just couldn’t take it anymore, today makes 9 very long months since things just haven’t been the same between us and I’ve finally put my foot down; enough is enough, the BS ends here!
We’re baaaaaacccckkkkkk, transmitting live from, wait this is more of a transmission than a broadcast, and it’s more so pre-recorded than live, so um, let’s just say this post is coming all the way from Ireland. And now that we can clearly see that that’s a lie; I actually started writing this post in Ireland, but the jetlag took over and basically what you saw until the sentence previous to this one was about as far as I got. I know it’s been quite a while since I’ve put a post out and I feel horrible about that. Really I do, you should see my face, it’s the face of a horrible feeling person, never mind the fact that I’m hungover from frolicking with the Irish, the horrible feeling is totally dedicated to you guys. Well I guess I wrote that line in Ireland as well, and apparently, it was another lie. Lies, lies, lies, I’m starting to feel a bit Obama-ish. Ouch, I didn’t mean that, Obama, you my boy!!! So now that the lies and excuses are out of the way, let’s jump straight into this post shall we?
As I sit at my desk, typing up this blog post for your reading enjoyment, my fingers are crossed. Yes, you read that correctly, I am typing with the fingers of my right hand crossed. So don’t be alarmed if you come across a few typos, or entire words missing from a sentence, for that matter. Just know that it is a necessary evil that I must contend with if I want to provide you guys with these super intelligent and uber entertaining and informative blog posts. What could bring on such preposterous behavior? Why are you being forced to take such precautions? Should I have my fingers crossed as well? I know that these are the burning questions of desire on your mind at this very moment and I’m going to get straight to the point. YES, CROSS YOUR FINGERS, cross them now, go ahead. It is imperative for your future well-being. No, it won’t save you from some unforeseen impending natural disaster, and no, crossing your fingers won’t protect you from the next big pandemic that threatens to wipe humanity off the face of the Earth. But I’ll tell you what it will do; it’ll protect you from contracting the God awful CHEESE TOUCH!!!
It’s FRIDAY!!!!!!, YAYYYYY, we made it through another week. What better way to celebrate by having a little fun? I begged convinced my family to participate in this silly trend and create our own family Harlem Shake video. Since it’s Friday and everyone deserves a little jumpstart to their weekend, we decided to provide a little comic relief. Enjoy!!!
If you’re as clueless as I was about this whole Harlem Shake thing, read about it here before watching the video.
If you’ve participated in the madness that is the Harlem Shake craze, be sure to post a link to your vid below. We’d love to check it out.
Up until the birth of Baby Guppy aka Gup, I was under the impression that my boys were monstrosities of evil based on their dealing with each other; wait, let me clarify, I thought that Tre was a monstrosity of evil. Ty was just an unfortunate bystander, forced to protect and defend himself (usually unsuccessfully) by matching evil with evil. The levels of scheming, deceitfulness, and downright mean behavior started climbing off the charts and I began to question if we needed to move to Philadelphia in hopes of getting any brotherly love in our home. Tre reached an all-time low a few mere weeks before Gup’s birth and I was terrified that the torture treatment of his brother would be transferred to her once she arrived.