Yes, I am taking a stand and finally fighting for what’s rightfully mine. I’m taking my breasts back! Technically they aren’t my breasts per se, since they are attached to Fefe’s body and all, but we are married and what’s hers is ours, so legally they belong to me. Just trust me on this one folks, I’ve consulted a crack team of lawyers regarding personal property law & the firm’s most seasoned partner, a fellow by the name of Tre ensured me that I’m well within my rights.
For 18 months now, Fefe’s breast have been out on loan like some overdue library book and this past weekend we finally decided to repossess and collect on the late fees. With all the headlines going around regarding mothers breastfeeding in public; I knew it was only a matter of time before our family ended up on the front page with a picture of Fefe slapping some rude inconsiderate jerk for making inappropriate comments. Even though I’m the one from “Ruff Buff”, Fefe is the one with the mean streak. I’ve totally witnessed her go all Wayne Brady and choke a b*****. So in an effort to avoid infamy, lawsuits, and potential child psychiatrist bills, we decided to put our foot down and stop the breastfeeding cold turkey!
Man, oh man, let me tell ya, I have a very long list of my stupidest ideas and I’m pretty sure that this one just about tops it. Reason #1 that I should have known better: since birth she’s been exclusively breastfed, we have spent a small fortune on a vast array of nipples (not talking the Boom Boom Room), bottles, sippy cups, and starter cups, yet she refuses to utilize any of them. Reason #2 that I should have known better: we tried this before at 9 months, I
banished sent Fefe away for the weekend with determination in my heart to break KayKay from the nip. She went on a hunger strike and I nearly rushed her to the hospital for dehydration. Reason #3 that I should have known better: she takes after her bullheaded stubborn daddy and has a mountain of pride and hardheadedness. Obviously when we set out on this journey, we were fighting a losing battle, but (refer to reason #3) I was determined to make it happen this time.
You see, I had made my wife a promise and I fully intended on following through with it. Fefe has unfortunately had to spend her last two birthdays living vicariously through others. Two years ago, she was pregnant with KayKay, so there was no drinking allowed. Last year, she was nursing, which meant there was a very fine line that had to be walked. I have a “wasted” scale that I typically use to describe Fefe; she can go from Barbara Walters drunk to Miley Cyrus drunk extremely quick, but her last birthday she was forced to hang out on the Barbara side of the room. This year, her only request was to enjoy this birthday without counting drinks & calculating feeding hours or dipping test strips.
I was elated to see this years wishlist, it would sure as hell would be a lot cheaper than last year’s $2000 purse request (yeah, I didn’t meet that desire), this year she wanted something reasonable, something that I could attain without selling my liver or first born on the black market for. Just in case you were wondering, I’d totally sell my first born; I drink way too much to net anything of value for my dried and shriveled liver. But this year wouldn’t require such dastardly deeds to keep my queen happy, this year would be simple, this year, she was simply asking me to be a Dad and assist in teaching our daughter a valuable life lesson. This year would be a piece of cake, or so I thought.
Clearly I was sadly mistaken in my underestimation of KayKay’s ironclad will power. I would have been better off buying 2 of those purses this year rather than endure the pain, suffering, and ridicule associated with trying to meet the demands of my wive’s birthday wishes. How much pain can one toddler inflict you may ask? Come back tomorrow to read about temper tantrums, how baldy toddler punches hurt, fun with cabbage and a real life experiment with purchasing human fluids on the actual black market.
Oh, you definitely don’t want to miss this one!