When we have children, we hope and pray that they live healthy, successful, and joyful lives. We hope they have tons of friends and are well liked, we hope that they accomplish all of their desires and dreams and we also hope that they love themselves as well as each other. Our family is pretty lucky, we’ve been blessed with 3 beautiful children who are having no problems at all achieving most of the bucket list items that I listed in the previous sentence. I say “most” because for some reason, we just can’t seem to get the whole “love thy neighbor” concept to properly take hold for our kids: and by “neighbor” I mean sibling and by “kids” I mean Tre. Tre just can’t seem to find that middle of the road balance, he’s either one extreme or the other. It’s black and white with this kid, where grey is apparently some abstract concept reserved for philosophers and others of such caliper. Previously, I wrote about the vicious battles between Tre and Ty, at times I think these two hate each other. But today, I bring you a very different tale, the flip side of the coin if you will; Tre loves his sister so much, that it is in fact quite sickening and boarding on illegal in 48 states.
Tre thinks KayKay is beautiful, he calls her a princess, his cutie baby, and gives her tons of kisses. I know you guys are sitting there thinking “OMG, he’s the best big brother ever”, I was thinking the same thing initially. Those thoughts came to a screeching halt when things started getting weird. Tre took his love for KayKay from endearing big brother to obsessive stalker in what felt like a split second. He wanted to turn her googoo gaga’s into words of holy matrimony by watching her crawl down the aisle and say ‘I do’. THE KID WANTS TO MARRY HIS BABY SISTER!!! Listen, I understand he was born in North Carolina and all, but this is taking his country roots a bit too far. I’m currently looking for participants in an intervention to talk him off the ledge, email for details if you’re interested.
Things started off simple enough, a while back we were discussing Tre’s future occupation of being a Stay At Home Dad and I informed him that he’ll need a kid or two in order to be a Stay At Home Dad. This revelation was mind blowing to him, I guess he was mostly concerned with the Stay At Home portion of his title and completely disregarding being a Dad. He thought for a while and said, well that’s okay, KayKay will be my kid. Not only will his sister magically transform into his child, but they will remain under our roof well into adulthood. When he said Stay At Home, he took it literal and meant stay at his current home; Tre thinks living with Fefe and I until we’re old and grey is the best idea ever. After calculating our monthly bills last week, I’m starting to think he’s onto something (Mom, clean out my old room, we’re moving back in).
Obviously, I had to point out the one flaw in his otherwise flawless plan: the older Tre gets, the older KayKay gets. There’s no way she can be his kid when he’s old enough to have children, because she’ll be old enough to have kids at that point. WHY, OH WHY didn’t I chose my words more carefully? His response: “this is great, it solves everything! Now I can marry Kayla and we will have kids and always live in this house so I can be a Stay At Home Dad”. After explaining the societal norms, laws, and genetic rules that this plan would be breaking, Tre explained that he didn’t care because she was the most beautiful baby in the world and he was going to marry her anyway.
A few days later, I overheard a conversation between Tre & Ty that went as follows:
Tre: “Ty, how many people can one person marry?”
Ty: “Just one”
Tre: “Well I thought that might be a problem”
Ty: “What are you talking about?”
Tre: “I am going to marry KayKay when I get older, and I KNOW that you’re gonna want to marry her too. But she can only marry one of us right? So that’s going to be a problem”
Ty: “I don’t think you have to worry about that problem Tre”
Tre: “Yes I do. We’ll have to fight to see who can marry her. Grab the Ninja Turtle weapons, we can fight now, or do you think we should wait and fight when we older?”
Ty: “Ummm, let’s wait until we’re older”
Tre: “Okay, but I’m warning you now, you’re going to lose because that’s my cutie baby”
Luckily this epic showdown was postponed before any blood was shed over Princess KayKay, but that didn’t stop Tre’s pursuit of conquest. His attention soon switched to me as he proposed a hypothetical situation which seemed to be more of a warning than a ‘what if’ question. He asks “Daddy, what if you marry KayKay?” I responded by informing Tre that like him, I cannot marry KayKay because she’s my daughter and it’s against the rules to marry your daughter or YOUR SISTER. Apparently rules don’t matter to Tre, but Mommy does. He told me that if I married KayKay, Mommy would be so mad that she would take KayKay away forever which would make him extremely sad, so I probably shouldn’t marry her. Totally right, that is exactly why I shouldn’t marry my daughter, thanks buddy.
In Tre’s world, not only is incest acceptable, but so is polygamy. Because according to him, he is going to marry KayKay when he gets older and also make the little girl that lives down the street his girlfriend. Oh and guess what, they’re all going to live in the house with Fefe and I. Someone please help us, save us from this child’s innocence!!!