Posted by Keith | Posted in Family, Holidays, Play Stories | Posted on 07-03-2014
Welcome back for part 2 of our Agent Santa series. Be sure to catch up on part 1 if you missed it.
Once the lists were created, it was onto phase 2: “Operation Bad Credit”, where all the magic is made. We’re well past the age-old practice of buying gifts and hiding them in the house, too risky. A while back, we switched to ordering everything online, but even that technique has outlived its usefulness. We grew tired of all the questions regarding this box and that box, since the mailman clearly didn’t understand the importance of delivering packages while kids are in school (talk about selfish). Now days, we order gifts online and have them delivered to a friend’s house, this way everything is out of sight; no questions asked. The only problem with this option is the hassle in getting all the gifts to the house and wrapped at the last minute. This is where my super-agent stealth training came in. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to sneak box after box into the house, down 2 flights of stairs into the basement, and to secure them out of sight, without waking up sleeping children? I remember dropping a box at one point and going all Jason Borne and diving behind the couch for cover because I thought the noise startled the boys. Luckily, they didn’t wake up and I didn’t have to use my nerve agent darts.
When all the gifts were safely in the house, a cover story was needed to ensure the basement was off limits. That cover story happened to be a huge rat with rabies that was willing to attack on sight. We told the boys that there was a rat down there and I had set traps to catch him, also he was very fast and could escape if they opened the door. Tre being Tre, quickly offered his services: “I wanna see the rat” “I can help catch it” “Let me get my bat”. After all the no’s were accepted, he settled on one final request: “well can you record a video of it?” Time to jump back into secret agent mode. What’s the best way to convince the public of a lie? Simply fabricate evidence! So I went into the basement and feverishly searched YouTube for a suitable video of a rat. Once I found one, I came back up and showed Tre. He was satisfied, and agreed that he didn’t want to be down there with that big rat. Mission accomplished.
You would think that it’d be smooth sailing from here on out, but you’d be wrong. As our wrapping party got underway, Fefe scrolled thru our super top-secret Santa database and recalled that we ran into a slight issue last year when the gifts that we bought for each other mysteriously had the same wrapping paper and the gifts that Santa brought. Don’t even ask how we got out of that one, because we don’t remember. Since we couldn’t remember, we decided it’d be safer to ensure we utilized specific wrapping paper for any gift that wasn’t from Santa, crisis averted.
Once the wrapping party was over and everything was under the tree, it was finally time to hang up my spy gear and head to bed as regular old Dad; and believe me, that’s exactly what I did. As I drifted quickly asleep I started to dream of cookies and milk, it was a very pleasant dream, I had all the cookies that a grown man could ask for and stacks of milk jugs, with cows on reserve just in case I ran out. I’m not sure how long this dream lasted, but I do know that it was 4:30am when I finally realized what it symbolized: OH CRAP, Santa forgot to eat his cookies and drink his milk. So I hopped out of bed and tiptoped downstairs to “dispose” of the evidence. That one little slip up could have brought the entire card house crashing down. Do you have any idea how anal kids are about the hard work that they put into those cookies for Santa?
As I crept back upstairs, satisfied with another successful year of deception and crawled in bed, I closed my eyes and got some well-deserved rest. It lasted for about 40 mins before little fingers were poking me because the mysterious and elusive Santa Claus had come and it was time to enjoy the fruits of our labor.