I’m just going to go ahead and get this out of the way: yes, it is the end of February and yes, this is a post about Christmas. But before, you start throwing around words like crazy, delirious, and psycho; give me a moment to explain myself. I’m none of those things, well maybe a little crazy, but that’s not the driving force behind this “well past its due date” post. The true emotion fueling this late February Christmas post is selfishness. Selfishness is clearly in direct opposition to the meaning of Christmas, but hey at least I’m being honest. Before we move forward, let me elaborate on exactly how my selfishness has led us to this point. Every night as I drive home through my neighborhood, I am forced to view houses that STILL feel the need to showcase their holiday cheer by continuing to turn their Christmas lights on. Really people? We’re exactly two months removed from the holidays and you’re still turning those Christmas lights on? Listen, at this point, the only reminder of Christmas that I expect is when I open my credit card statement each month; I don’t need my neighbors reminding me every day as well. So due to the fact that I’m forced to relive Christmas every evening, I felt that it was only right that I spread the holiday cheer around to my readers as well. I mean, what are friends for if they can’t wallow in each other’s pain? So you see, I’m not actually being selfish; it’s quite the opposite, I’m doing my duty to ensure that each of you are keeping those friendship skills sharp. You can thank me later.
Being ‘Santa’ is becoming more difficult with each passing year. This year, I honestly felt like I was an undercover CIA agent, dismantling any and every threat that could potentially blow my cover. By the time Christmas day rolled around, I felt like I was a better actor than Daniel Craig. James Bond has nothing on Agent Santa, and I mean nothing. I truly deserve an Oscar for my realistic portrayal of deceit and trickery required to keep the lie alive.
Let’s start at the beginning, way before the joyful faces of Christmas morning brighten our lives. Let’s go back to before the decorations were up, before the gifts were purchased, before the cookies and milk were set out. We’ll start at the point when us parents try to figure out what it is exactly that our children would enjoy opening up on Christmas day. In order to extract this information, as agent Santa, I had to become a mole. I needed go deep undercover into the kid’s circle and gain the trust of my children in order to have them open up to me without suspicion. This required sometimes eavesdropping on their private conversations while they watched the millions of toy commercials during Saturday morning cartoons. Or casually, dropping the Toys R Us big book of toys on the dinner table and monitoring which items kept the attention of their eyes just a bit longer than the rest. After all of those covert actions failed, I resorted to direct interrogation and used classic techniques to force a confession. The tried and true “Letter to Santa” tactic worked well. Although, a lazy Tre put up some slight resistance: “it’s too early to make a Christmas list for Santa, can’t I just send it to him a few days before Christmas?” This totally caught me off guard and I had to think quickly: “DUDE, do you know how long it takes the elves to make a toy? If you don’t get in the front of the line, you’ll end up with gifts from the island of misfit toys, do you want that?” Phew, that was a close one, crisis averted, lists were being written.
Now that I’ve detailed all of the reconnaissance that went into the Christmas Caper, be sure to check back tomorrow when I get to the real nitty gritty of all the hands on, action packed, in your face, knock down and drag em secret agent stuff that makes Christmas great.