I have a confession to make, I enjoy ratchet reality television. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good ole thought provoking television series (please bring “Lost” back) just as much as the next man, but there is something extraordinarily satisfying about sitting back with a cold drink in your hand and zoning out to some brain cell murdering reality TV. It’s the perfect response to a long hard day; it’s as if reality TV is the instrument I utilize to exact revenge on my troubled itinerary: screw you cold hard world, I’m logging off for the day. Can any of you relate? With a plethora of wholehearted ratchetness to choose from, one sticks out in particular: “Bad Girls Club”. With this show, you’re promised gut wrenching action, including numerous cat fights, arguments, and partial nudity (Fefe’s totally cool with it because it’s partial, now my Playboy magazines dating back to the 70’s are a different story). What’s not to love right? Well, I’m quickly learning that there is indeed very much to hate.
Given my infatuation with the show and the fact that I just recently became the father of a new baby girl, I was faced with a small conundrum: how could I continue to watch these “Bad Girls” degrade themselves for my entertainment and at the same time look my daughter in the eyes to her that she was the most precious thing in the world and should demand the respect of every man she encounters. “Bad Girls Club” had to go!
And then the bomb dropped. No sooner than when this moment of enlightenment hit, it all came crashing down. My worst nightmares had come true , I was forced to realized the “reality” of my parental situation: I was already in the midst of raising a Bad Girl and at this rate, she would no doubt be featured on season 36.
Since its inevitable that at the rate Gup is moving, she’ll be featured on the show sooner or later, I’ve decided to capitalize on her existing “Bad Girl” tendencies and pitch the Infant Edition to your favorite networks. So far, I think it has all the makings of a hit! I’m thinking Gup’s audition tape would highlight some of her seedier characteristics, which I’m sure all of the execs would gobble up with no problem. Here’s a few examples to give you a teaser of what to expect from the show:
Enter Kayla, Age: 4 months, Hometown: Albertvillehomie, Hobbies: kicking & screaming, never going down without a fight.
On Bad Girls Club, making out is like the cardinal qualification that applicants must possess. Kayla has this one to a tee. Imagine my surprise when every time I go to give my baby girl a kiss I’m met by the tiniest protruding tongue ever. This bad girl refuses to settle for simple pecks, it’s French or nothing for her.
What would Bad Girls Club be without the cat fights? The weave snatching, the fisticuffs, the biting, I mean come on, it’s why we all tune in. Infant Edition will be no different. Gup spends her time striking fear into the hearts of those who subscribe to the age old adage “long hair, don’t care”. Her most frequent victim, none other than a DFB fan favorite, our very own Tre. Kayla knows how to get her way when it concerns him, if he gets a tad bit too close, a palm full of hair is sure to be found in her tiny grasp. This usually results in Tre screaming and Kayla giving him a devilish grin as if to say “wake me up from my nap again and see what happens next.
Then there’s the classic “throw a drink” move that shows up from time to time. Kayla is all over this one. She spits up on people with a vengeance. Total disregard for their swank fashion choices. For an infant, is this ot the equivalent of throwing your drink on someone? Case closed.
To round things out, what would any Bad Girl be without a little party action and sleeping around? Sometimes going as far as sharing their bed with both a man & woman at the same time. I hold this as her highest offense. Almost like clockwork, when it gets dark, Gup comes alive. She’s feisty, full of energy, and just looking to have a little fun. This usually ends with her sleeping in bed with both me and Fefe at the same time.
The signs are clear folks, this infant has what it takes to compete toe to toe with her older Bad Girl counterparts. I’m sure there are thousands of infant bad girls out there across the nation, so be on the lookout for auditions in a city near you. Will you turn in to be mortified and entertained in the same breath by Bad Girls Club: Infant Edition?
I know I will