The Cheese Touch


Posted by Keith | Posted in Family, Fefe, Grandparents, Play Stories, Tre, Ty | Posted on 25-04-2013


As I sit at my desk, typing up this blog post for your reading enjoyment, my fingers are crossed. Yes, you read that correctly, I am typing with the fingers of my right hand crossed. So don’t be alarmed if you come across a few typos, or entire words missing from a sentence, for that matter. Just know that it is a necessary evil that I must contend with if I want to provide you guys with these super intelligent and uber entertaining and informative blog posts. What could bring on such preposterous behavior? Why are you being forced to take such precautions? Should I have my fingers crossed as well? I know that these are the burning questions of desire on your mind at this very moment and I’m going to get straight to the point. YES, CROSS YOUR FINGERS, cross them now, go ahead. It is imperative for your future well-being. No, it won’t save you from some unforeseen impending natural disaster, and no, crossing your fingers won’t protect you from the next big pandemic that threatens to wipe humanity off the face of the Earth. But I’ll tell you what it will do; it’ll protect you from contracting the God awful CHEESE TOUCH!!!

For the past month, my life has been riddled with countless hours of plotting and searching for an unsuspecting victim to pass off the cheese touch to. It has all but ruined my leisure activities, my sleep, and my productivity. Hell, look at my recent blog post production; I haven’t had time to get any posts out recently, too busy trying to get rid of the cheese touch. The cheese touch has had a negative impact on my life, and I’m attempting to save you from suffering the same fate. But in order to do that, we must go back to the beginning. Because in order to defeat the cheese touch, you must become the cheese touch! Okay, that made no sense at all, but it sounded really cool to say.

The cheese touch infected our family and we didn’t eeen (there’s one of those typos I warned you about) know it until it was too late. If you’re familiar with the Diary of a Wimpy Kid franchise, then you may already have some idea of what the cheese touch is, if not, check the vid below. Well, this year Ty has been infatuated with those books. He’s read the entire series this year and really enjoys it. Great right? Our kid is reading (without being forced) and actually enjoying it. What’s not to love about this situation? Fiction becoming reality, that’s what. At some point during his countless hours of reading, Ty thought it would be an awesome idea to bring the cheese touch to life and pass it along to one of his unsuspecting family members. That family member just so happened to be Tre. BIG MISTAKE!!! Tre, having no knowledge of what the cheese touch was had a complete freak out session. What’s the cheese touch? I don’t want the cheese touch! The cheese touch is hurting me, I think it made my tummy not feel so good, and on and on and on. Naturally, someone had to ensure this kid got rid of the cheese touch and quickly, so BOOM just like that without eeen (damn typos) knowing, I was smacked with the cheese touch due to some conniving and collaborating by Fefe and the boys. Seconds afterwards, all I heard was Daddy has the cheese touch, they just took turns saying it over and over, teasing me.

Being the competitive person that I am, I vowed to keep my cheese touch time to a minimum and immediately ran to Fefe to touch her; I was promptly stopped in my tracks by a raised hand containing crossed index and middle fingers. I was then informed that if your fingers were crossed, you would be protected from getting the cheese touch. I went to bed with the cheese touch that night, and it haunted my dreams. The next morning, I woke Ty up for school and before he could even gather his thoughts, the cheese touch was back in his court. I smiled and reveled in my cunning and superior strategy. My celebration was cut short, I forgot to cross my fingers and before his feet hit the floor, I was once again stuck with the cheese touch.

As time went on, our game evolved; I became better at dishing out the cheese touch as well as deflecting it. Alliances began to form in a Survivor-esqe fashion and things got real gritty. Tre hated having the cheese touch for more than 45 seconds, Ty would try to cheat and cross his fingers after the fact, Fefe gave me the cheese touch in my freaking sleep. Our house became a dog eat dog world and it was downright ugly. But then a miracle happened, my parents came to visit, and we had some new unsuspecting victims to take advantage of. We were seasoned cheese touch vets by this time, so it was very difficult to get rid of it, once you got it. But now with my parents in town, it’d be a breeze tossing it to them. That was the case at first; however they quickly formulated their own strategy and created a Bonnie and Clyde style partnership. They would yell out and inform each other whenever someone new had the cheese touch, they sent signals if they noticed one of us didn’t have our fingers crossed; if became all out warfare.

Fefe and I were determined to send the cheese touch to Buffalo with my parents and be rid of this silly game once and for all. The day before they left, we were very meticulous with who we gave our touches too. We didn’t want to tip them off by not giving it away enough, but giving it away too much could mean disaster as well. I ended up scoring what I thought was a winning shot when I gave my Dad the cheese touch before he headed off for bed. Fefe and I celebrated, the whole house erupted with “Grandpappi has the cheese touch”, and all was well in the world. After a long (and scary) drive to the airport due to the snow, the last thing on my mind was the damn cheese touch. We arrived at the airport in a frenzy because they only had 45 mins to catch their flight. I handed my Dad their bags, gave my Mom a hug and then gave my Dad one as well. With bags in both hands, he couldn’t hug me back, but managed to stick his chin out and tap me on the shoulder while saying CHEESE TOUCH.

I was shocked and full of disappointment. Fefe and I drove home in complete silence, baffled at the fact that we had been bested. By the time we made it home, Ty had fell asleep; I woke him up and immediately informed him of his new cheese touch status. As I sit here today, days later and the cheese touch still lives on.

And now, since I know none of you had your fingers crossed while reading this post, I say unto you….CHEESE TOUCH!!!!

{insert reader’s name} has the cheese touch
{insert reader’s name} has the cheese touch
{insert reader’s name} has the cheese touch
{insert reader’s name} has the cheese touch


Comments (6)

LOL you can’t pass the cheese touch like that. That’s worst than Tre’s air cheese touch that he tried to do at the dinner table lol. The cheese touch has really taken over our life. We tried so hard to send it back with your parents, I can’t believe you, I mean we failed lol. By the way, that picture of mom with her fingers crossed sleep is too funny!!


CeCe Reply:


OMG!!! When was that pic taken? I had no idea when it was taken? Lol! That cheese touch is horrible!


Hello, my name is Dr. Taes T. Gouda of the National Cheese Touch Institute. I read your story and we can help. At our national facility in Wisconsin, we have the finest technology to cure you and your family. It’s as simple as tailgating at a Green Bay Packers game, where there are thousands of people with the cheese touch and more wiling to accept it. Please contact us for your free consultation.


I hate having the cheese touch too! That cheese touch is horrible!! Especially when everyone would taunt you endlessly. I couldn’t believe how Tre would un-cross our fingers and give us the cheese touch! It was hysterical!! The cheese touch brought a lot of fun and laughter to our visit! Thank you Ty for bringing the cheese touch into our lives…..but keep it in Minnesota! LOL


This was hilarious! The Cheese Touch! It is moments like these that I can’t wait to have kids.. LOL at your mom sleeping with her fingers crossed and your dad’s chin attack!
The Normal Mad Hatter´s last blog post ..It’s My Head and My Hair and I am NOT Apologizing for it!


Your Dad is the MASTER. :) Awesome. I can’t wait until Boo Boo reads those. We are on Super Diaper Baby and Baby Mouse in this Girly House.


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