Stay At Home Mom vs. The Working Dad

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Posted by Keith | Posted in Advice, Family, Fefe | Posted on 03-02-2011

and the WINNER is.....

and the WINNER is.....

Okay DFB family, time for a serious topic here at the bowl. As I write this, I have my vodka & cranberry sitting next to the computer; attempting to recover from the events that just took place in my household. Timeout, I know you may be thinking how dare he bring up a serious topic while under the influence? My response: some of the greatest ideas known to man were created while in a bar & written on a cocktail napkin! I’ve even included a reference. (editor’s note: the events actually took place 2 nights ago.  I guess there was more vodka than cranberry in that drink and I didn’t get a chance to finish the post).

So let’s get to it. Fefe & I just had a fight (gasp!!!), better yet; let’s call it a “debate”. Otherwise you guys won’t think we’re the perfect family. This debate was regarding my level of involvement during the children’s bedtime. She got upset because I didn’t put a glass of milk in the fridge as she asked, while she was putting the kids to bed.  Last I checked, a glass of milk could remain at room temperature for a couple of hrs before spoiling, so I didn’t think it was a big deal. If you let her tell it, there was more to the “debate” than a glass of milk, but hey, it’s my blog, my voice, so I can skew the story anyway I please!!! Anyway, our “debate” led me to think about the roles and duties of a stay at home mom/dad verses those of their working parent counterpart.

I strongly believe that the job of a stay at home parent is just as strenuous and mentally challenging as one of a working professional.  Therefore, I feel that when I come home from work, I should provide some relieve to Fefe’s duties.  A typical weekday evening in our home goes as follows: after getting home, I’ll play with the boys while Fefe finishes dinner.  We’ll sit down and eat as a family, afterwards we’ll do some type of activity together where both Fefe and I contribute.  Once the family activity is complete, Fefe usually administrates baths, etc and get the kids to bed.  During this time, I get a moment of relaxation, to unwind from the day’s events.  I am always accessible during this time and my assistance is readily available whenever requested. But do I do enough?

There are several sides to this argument and I’d like to hear all of your different points of view.  Some may say that staying with a child all day and entertaining them is tough; when the working parent comes home, they should take over all of the duties to give the stay at home parent a break.  On the flip side, some may feel that by staying home, the parent is in a more comfortable environment and allowed to perform certain leisure activities throughout the day, including naps from time to time; whereas the working parent is not afforded such luxuries while on the job.  Therefore, the stay at home parent should continue working even when their partner comes home, so they can take it easy.

I feel as though whether you are out working or at home taking care of the kids, you are still doing a job.  The stay at home parent may “like” their job a bit more, but hey it’s still work.  Since both parents are working throughout the day, neither of their jobs should end in the evening in my opinion.  I try to do this by keeping the kids occupied as soon as I get home, giving her the opportunity to finish dinner uninterrupted.  But I question if my willingness to let Fefe step up and handle the bedtime activities is the correct choice.  Maybe she shouldn’t have to carry the load of bedtime alone.

 

What are your thoughts?  Please share…

Comments (41)

Hubby and I have went a round or two on this subject too…I’ve been both the stay at home MOM – and now we are both working the same hours…so I’ve seen both sides. I think the question you should ask is:

Is finishing dinner uninterrupted relaxing enough for your wife?

I really enjoy cooking – to be in my kitchen ALONE is solitude that I need but some women feels it’s work…ask her…is she says she doesn’t really love or crave alone time in the kitchen maybe it’s time to take turns getting the kids bathed and ready for bed.

My two cents. Take it for what it is. :)

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Keith Reply:

@Mellisa, Wow, that’s great advice!!! It also helps my case a little, since she loves cooking, lol. I’m sure she’ll chime in, but I think sometimes alone time in the kitchen may not be enough for her, so we may need to re-evaluate.

I really appreciate hearing the views from someone who has lived on both sides of the fence. Thx.

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Fefe Reply:

@Keith, yes I love to have my kitchen to myself to cook!!

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While I can imagine how hard it is to be a stay at home parent, I do think the conveniences one affords FAR outweigh the one’s enjoyed by the working parent. Let’s face it, you can’t wear you pajamas, watch Jerry Springer, take naps, and blast obscene music all day at work. Therefore I feel it’s only fair that the stay at home parent bear most of the burden even after 5pm. I do feel the working parent def should help out, but it’s Thursday, and Jersey Shore is on… Sorry Fefe!

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Keith Reply:

@Omarvelous, LMAO!!! I definitely see where you’re coming from. The commuting, the meetings, the deadlines, all without the pleasure of an afternoon Jerry Springer fix? It’s enough to drive a man insane!!!

But then I stayed home from work while Fefe ran errands and dealing with those two rugrats for a mere few hours almost made me say screw my vacation, I’m going to work!

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Keslie Mack Reply:

@Omarvelous,
First of all you have a very narrow mind. I have not napped during the day since my kids were babies. They are 3, 4 and 6yrs old, it has been at least 2 years since I got a nap. Also I would never allow my child to watch Jerry Springer or hear obscene music, any parent who would has serious issues. Oh and PJ’s would be great, but people outside of house would look at you funny.
So what does my day entail? First off, NO TV for anyone during the week. Daddy leaves as we are waking up, so NO HELP. Wake up, make sure kids are dressed appropriately for the weather, make sure lunches (3 days a week my 4 yr old is in preschool from 9-12) are packed, feed them a healthy breakfast (no pop tarts in house). Then off to school. After drop off I have to pick up from breakfast, feed 3 yr old a snack, check bills and to do list (I take care of everything financial, hubby goes to work once the pay check is deposited the rest is up to me), maybe go grocery shopping or run other errand, either pack lunch or prep for lunch at home. Pick up preschoolers (yep I pick up two other kids too) take them home or to the park, feed them, play with them. Or if no preschool, then pick up Kindergartener and head home. Prepare lunch and feed kids. Then set the kids up with activity (remember NO TV) so I can clean up from lunch. Now is relax time meaning nothing scheduled, so maybe catch up on chores I am behind in, possibly play one game of solitare. Oops, kids are fighting, cat needs to be fed, free time over. Start planning dinner, get kids set up on another project. Start a load of laundry, clean up a mess the kids made. Start making dinner ahead of time, because it is inevitable that being on time means a disaster will happen postponing dinner. Make dinner YAY daddy is home and into the bedroom, to use bathroom, change, relax for 20-30 minutes. Then he may help entertain the kids while I finish dinner. We all eat together, then we maybe play a game together, then bed time, daddy goes to his man cave to watch tv or play a video game and I read the kids to sleep. THEN I get to finish cleaning up from dinner get stuff ready for the morning and DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN TOMORROW!

Oh and did I mention all day the kids are screaming, crying, fighting, not listening, hurting eachother, complaining, arguing, bitching, telling you how mean you are for not feeding them cake all day and how Susy’s mother lets her watch tv and eat cookies for lunch.

Now why should my hubby get to have that half an hour break and I SHOULDN’T?????

Not to mention I have all the stress and responsibility of everything, sickness, doctors, clothes shopping, which vaccines to give, what food to feed them, Field trips, dance class, budget, playdates, school responsibilities and volunteering. In my “free time” I get to fold laundry, grocery shop alone, clean the house alone.

What if your boss told you you didn’t get weekends off, you were on call 24 hrs a day, no vacation days, no breaks, no drive alone in the car, and in your free time, you could do your work at home alone, without distraction, OH AND YOU DON’T GET PAID!!!!

I understand my husband works hard and I am grateful for our home and car and stuff, but I am miserable. I am not a woman, but a MOTHER and that is it. The woman I was before is gone and I don’t even get glimpses of her anymore. When you leave the house to work, YOU GET TO GO HOME!!!!

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Bori Reply:

@Keslie Mack,

Some of us working dad don’t just do 9-5, I work 12-13 hours a day and when I get home I play with my son for a while before I get him to take a bath and put him to bed. I get your complaint but suck it up and deal with it. Some of us spend almost no time with our family so that they can live comfortably. Yet I still have my complain that I don’t do enough. And yes I am on call 24/7 since I am in the military.

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Tough call… No easy answers on this one.

Stay at home CAN be stressful, just as work can be…

But, since my job entails shift work (nights, overnights, weekends, and holidays), it’s a little harder to define what we did…

Generally speaking, I think we did something similar to what you are doing. I come home (or wake up) and help with as much as I can, then try to relax a little, but keep myself open to being available to my wife. (Although, I suspect her version of the story, like your wife’s, would be different)

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Keith Reply:

@The Father of Five, Always 2 sides to the story man, our side (the husbands) and the CORRECT side (the wives).

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I’ve been sick, so have missed reading your posts….I’ll comment on the one about Ty later….But regarding this one…it is a very tough one. All I can say is that both positions have valid complaints. Being a stay at home mom can be just as mentally draining as working outside of the home. Working people sometimes don’t like their jobs. Stat at home moms may not like their job. I know it can be very tiring getting up all times of the night when u hear the child crying, changing hundreds and hundreds of dirty, wet diapers. Giving baths and getting one in the process can really get to u. Not to mention not being about to have an adult conversation or only see another adult if u go to a kids place. But working that 9 to 5 is very demanding. Taking 15 minutes for a break, doing what others people tell u to do and especially, biting your tongue when u really wanna just say whats on your mind is difficult. Both of u need to really look at the others situation and appreciate all that they do for the family. After saying that, my advice…cook dinner together, put the kids to bed together, then continue to enjoy your quality time together.

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Keith Reply:

@Ce, You know this whole debate would go away very quickly if you just move down here closer to us! Lol

Thanks for the good reply

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Not going to get too defensive. But what stay at home mom, naps, watches Jerry Springer and blast obscene music all day? Also, we often stay in our PJs all day because we never got a chance to take a freaking shower! Also, by Tre’s age a lot of our kids refuse to take naps so we go 12 straight hours playing with a two/three year old and never get a break, lunch, adult conversation or a mental check out at all. My husband would probably throw himself off a bridge if he did my job for more then a day (to be fair I don’t have any desire to do his job either).

Now that I’m done being defensive, I do understand the burden of being the bread winner, of working hard for someone else all day and wanting to come home and relax without being bitched at. I believe that a woman should love and care for her husband as much as she does her kids because if she doesn’t then there are risk to the marriage. I also think a lot of women just feel more comfortable doing those jobs (like bed time) and men often feel that they don’t know what their doing so they let their wife handle it. As long as you are there to help Fenessa when she needs it, you are doing a great job. Also, my husband and I firmly believe that both of us have to respect and appreciate what we bring to the family and each other.

So enjoy your vodka but for God’s sake, have a drink ready for her when she’s done! :)

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Omarvelous Reply:

@Elizabeth, working in pjs, naps, watching Jerry springer, and blasting obscene music all day are things that Id like to do while at work… But I can’t. I can however indulge when I work from home. I was just givings some “general” perks that I’d enjoy. I’m sure there are a lot of stay at home moms who do the same. Point is there are WAY more stuff you can get away with in the privacy of your home versus in the public working environment.

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Elizabeth Reply:

@Omarvelous,

Ah, well that makes sense.

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Keith Reply:

@Elizabeth, I love, love, love this statement: “I believe that a woman should love and care for her husband as much as she does her kids ” Fefe really does do a good job at that & I truly appreciate her for it.

I definitely understand that it’s a tough job dealing with the kids all day, I most certainly do it for more than a few hours at a time, so I am always ready to help, just don’t do as good of a job of volunteering my services as I could.

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This is a very good topic that you blogged about even though you tried to make the debate all about milk, lol. Anyway, I think we both have our days at work where some are good days and some are bad. I think when one of us is having a rough day we should just continue to do what we do best help the other person out as much as possible. I think you help out a lot & maybe I should start using you more when I’m starting to get tired instead of trying to do it all!

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Keith Reply:

@Fefe, 2 Thumbs Up!! 10-4 good buddy! Lol

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I am a stay at home mom (ok, 2 of my kids have already moved out and I’m left with 1 17yr old boy) I babysit infants/toddlers all day most days. Some days from 8:30am until about 10pm! My Hubby works full time and goes to school 2 nights a week. He leaves the house around 9am and gets home between 8pm and 11pm. He cooks, cleans, does all the laundry and takes a huge part in what needs done with our son. (Teenagers are more work than infants!) Even when he is at work he has our son call him after school to review what chores need done. He then must call back to confirm that they are done. (Son listens to him better) My Hubby feels that even if I am home (in my pj’s all day because I cant find 5 minutes to shower) I am still working and he enjoys doing things to make my life easier when he gets home.
I’ve got a good one! I’m gonna keep him!

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Keith Reply:

@Mimzy Wimzy, Wow, that is a very long day that you have at times. I don’t know how you’re able to handle it all day without a break. But on the bright side, your husband definitely sounds like he helps out a bunch (can we borrow him???) lol

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I think that when you see that she’s tired or overwhelmed just step in and help her. Women are socialized to nurture and be caretakers so she may not always say she needs help or a break when she does. She’s in her place of work 24/7..you get to leave at a certain time. Also, I get her about the milk..women interpret behavior. Its like when I clean the house and my fiance walks in and drops his shoes in the middle of the damn…wait I’m digressing…Okkk.. But yeah, when she asked you to do that it was something important to her that assists her with a trying task and when you took your time it suggested to her that it wasn’t that important to you.

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Fefe Reply:

@alexis, Thanks Alexis!! That is exactly how I felt at the moment.

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Keith Reply:

@alexis, That’s not only how she felt, but those are the same EXACT words that she used. I honestly could not grasp why it was so important to her. I have an issue with that, if it doesn’t make sense to me, it just doesn’t make sense period, lol. But now that someone else has come in & repeated her sentiments, I guess I can remove “crazy” as an explanation for why the milk was so important, lol.

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First off, how is she crying over milk…THAT AIN’T SPILT???

The way I see it. Both jobs are hard and taxing but the bread winners job is slightly more important. If the bread winner fails at their job, NO INCOME – and Lord knows the problems that come with not having money. But if the stay at home parent fails at parenting, there is still a possibilty the kids could come out decent (second parent’s involvement, schooling, friends, secondary environment etc.). So is it fair that the bread winner has to work 8+ hrs then come home to their second job? Not really. But sacrifices have to made when kids are involved.

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Fefe Reply:

@International Baby, I don’t agree! Until you have 2 boys at home with you all day that you have to take care of, plus have the house chores plus have to get breakfast, lunch & dinner prepared then you can’t possibly know what rolls Stay at Home parents have. Also the debate was not just over spilled milk. Keith just stated his side of the story. Wait until Mommy Fish Bowl comes out, its going to be on & poppin LOL

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International Baby Reply:

My point is there are a lot of kids that grow up and do well with a single working parent or both working parents. But a child with no working parents? Not as easy of a life.

So let’s have a toast to the bread winner. You have to work IN AND OUTside the home.

But the stay at home parent also deserves kudos because it isn’t easy not wanting to drown the kids after 12+ hours of them.

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Deborah Reply:

@International Baby,

There’s no reason to downplay one person’s job just because the other’s job performs a certain function. There’s a lot of kids that grow up up to be menaces to society and they have a two parent household.

His blog post was more about how to do better on his end, not putting his wife down.

Keith Reply:

@International Baby, Thanks man, what you are saying holds weight. But to challenge it: if I lost my job, I think Fefe would be perfectly capable of going out and earning a check, but would I be prepared to deal with her job all day long, I honestly think I could handle it, but probably wouldn’t be as good at it or enjoy it as much as she does.

With that being said, I’m gonna head to bed so I’m not late for work tomorrow & we won’t have to deal with that situation, lol

I think the jobs are both important, but like someone said earlier, the stay-at-home parents job is 24/7. There person with the job has to work 8-10 hours a day AND they get weekends off. AND they have vacation time. AND they get sick days. And who takes care of the spouse on their sick days. The stay-at-home parent.

So if I was the working spouse, I would want understanding that my part is hard to, but I would also have understanding for the stay-at-home spouses job, and how it essentially never ends.

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Keith Reply:

@Deborah, I understand that the stay at home job is being in the same location 24/7, however, after working my 8-10 hrs, I come home and take over some of the duties of the stay at home job. So even though my primary job has ended, my work still is not done & that 24/7 job of my wife gets a little easier.

Yes I get vacation & sick days & all those good things, but my vacation day serves as her vacation day as well, because when I’m off, I kick up my Daddy duties full swing, which means I’m actually working in a sense. She never gets a vacation day in the sense of not having to see your job, so I definitely understand what you’re saying, it just doesn’t seem as cut & dry to me.

Thanks for the comment, I am truly enjoying this discussion

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Deborah Reply:

@Keith, It wasn’t meant to be cut and dry, just a perspective. Even if you take over the responsibilities, it’s still some (your words not mine). And if you try to take over one duty and your child says, “I want mommy to do it” or “I like it when mommy does it better”, then she ends up not getting that break. That’s definitely not your fault, but that is something that can happen.

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Keith Reply:

@Deborah, I’m sorry, “cut & dry” probably wasn’t the best term. Maybe black & white works better. I take over “some” of the responsibilities because I just don’t feel (and I think she agrees) that she should be totally relieved of her duties by me, after I’ve been working all day. Just as it would be wrong for me to feel that because I was at work all day, I should be allowed to come home and do nothing at all.

I think your original point, which many have also stated is that the stay at home position is one that is 24/7. I agree, however, they are not working to full capacity the entire 24/7, because someone comes in to offer some relieve during the evenings. So I would label it as 20/5 working at 100% capacity & 4/2 working at 60% or less.

Wait, those numbers don’t really sound all that great, oh well, I tried. Lol

Deborah Reply:

@Keith, You keep dwelling on the first part of my statement. Did you read the second part? I know it was minuscule and not as meaty, but I did say there should just be an understanding on both sides no matter what. I said I as the working spouse would want understanding that my contribution is hard also, but I would also understand the stay-at-home spouses feelings.

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Keith Reply:

@Deborah, Haha, yeah I did see it. I got caught up on the 24/7 and vacation days etc, that I glossed over it.

But in “trying” to make my point, I actually ended up saying exactly what you said: that their job is never ending. Even if it’s not at full speed because of my help (which means for me when 1 job ends another one starts) she still can’t just walk away from her work & say I’m going to finish it tomorrow.

I understand that & it’s part of the reason I want to ensure I’m doing more than enough to accommodate her.

You are kidding, right? (about “letting her step up” to bedtime duties) While I do think kids need a routine at bedtime, I think parents can take turns helping follow the routine. If you each take one kid, it’s that much sooner you BOTH can relax from your stressful days :)

On one level, I see working outside the home as easier (and I’ve done both). At work, it’s so much easier to control your destiny (depending on the job, I suppose). I used to look forward to going to work when my son was a colicky infant (it was the only place I felt competent!)

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Keith Reply:

@Mrs4444, Sorry I missed this comment some how, apologies.

I am always willing to help out at bedtime, but most times she doesn’t seem to need any assistance and I’m of the mindset if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. That’s what I was questioning, is being available to help actually doing enough? I feel that maybe I should DO even when its not “required” of me. and I think you feel the same way. Taking one kid each is a great suggestion and we’ve worked it into the mix from time to time, it helps out a lot.

I totally agree with you about working outside of the home. It is stressful, you are away from your family, but man, I’d be in real trouble if I had to deal with a cranky toddler all day after getting no sleep like my wife does from time to time.

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I really like your perspective on this! I am a SAHM on some days and the breadwinner on other days. My husband and I take turns because we can’t afford child care right now. It’s nice because after a day with the kids, I have work to look forward to…and after a day at work I have a day home with the kids to look forward to. :)

My opinion on this subject is that both people should be working during the day…until the kids go to bed, then both people get an opportunity to relax…either together or separately. Whoever is home should do the things that keep the home running that day…whether it’s laundry or running errands or cleaning poopy diapers…it’s part of the job. When the other gets home from work, they should join in by doing whatever they need to do. Personally, I think that whoever has been gone all day should definitely spend time with the kids instead of jumping into cooking dinner (or whatever) since you only get a precious few hours with the little rugrats each day.

This is all good in theory, but in *my* reality, I end up doing virtually everything…all the cooking, shopping, laundry, dishes, picking up, bedtime routine, cleaning toilets, vacuuming, bill paying, etc. I actually really need to address this with my spouse. You think I would have gotten around to it after 6+ years of marriage. I’m an over-achiever and somewhat of a perfectionist, as well as the typical doing-it-myself-is-easier-than-waiting-for-you type person. I guess I’m just now reaching the breaking point because my third pregnancy is making me so tired! I feel that if I have to ASK before he’s willing to do anything that I have become the manager/parent and he the employee/child…which is NOT the relationship I want with my life partner! At the same time, I think he’s happy to just let me do it all…but what he doesn’t realize is how much “doing it all” requires of me. If I wasn’t doing so much, I would have more time for (and more interest in) intimacy with him.

I feel like this type of debate often boils down to each person trying to play the martyr so that they don’t have to do as much work. But, guess what, life IS work. If two people are dedicated to one another as well as their children, then they need to whole-heartedly do what it takes to be successful…providing for said family both financially and in all the intangible ways that are required. Bringing home a paycheck doesn’t make you more important, just like dealing with a tyrant in diapers doesn’t make you more important. And since no one is more important, no one is more deserving of a break than anyone else.

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Keith Reply:

@Cooking#3, First off, I’d like to congratulate you on your third pregnancy. I know this must be an exciting time for you.

Based on your comment, I can tell that you appear to be a very reasonable individual and you make some extremely good points. Especially the “bringing home a paycheck doesn’t make you more important….” point. I think this is definitely true, I feel my wife and I are both equal in our responsibilities to our family as well as their importance.

Since this post, I’ve been more proactive in seeking out ways to help out after work and she’s done a great job of accepting and asking for help when she needs it.

I would definitely say to talk to your husband about your feelings, he probably has no idea how drained you get by doing everything (trust me, sometimes with us men, even the obvious, isn’t obvious, lol). I hope you guys find a nice balance to your responsibilities at work and at home.

Thanks for stopping by.

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I am a stay at home mom while my husband works in the navy. And this is a very conflicting subject. Where as I agree that we both have day time jobs, I think that we are both entitled to some “time off” for relaxation. However, having kids is a full time job. So when my husband comes home he usually takes about 30 minutes of personal time, to switch off from work brain to home. Where he then usually takes over child responsibilities, while we visit and hang out as a family. And having him there, even if I’m not “taking a break” is such a load off. Especially since our daughter is so excited to see him. She then switches to “daddy, daddy, daddy” vs the “mommy” pleas I’ve been answering all day. He then keeps her busy while I cook dinner (or vise versa, from time to time). And then we all sit down to eat together. We have a bit of playing before bath time, which is a responsibility we tend to split right down the middle, and I’ll admit he usually does more often. Bedtime is something we always do together. We both read books and do our bedtime routine together. It is a very rare day that we aren’t both doing bedtime together. And then once bedtime is done we punch our time cards and that’s when we “both” are officially off the clock. (Unless a special circumstance arises of course, because we all know as parents we are never really off the clock.) Anyway, at that time is when we get our free time which most nights we spend doing something together, or occasionally go off on our own and do individual activites. Example: my husband loves looking through his telescope, and its usually too cold for me outside, so I use this time to catch up on one of those trashy girly shows my husband doesn’t exactly enjoy watching. :) of course we always feel like there isn’t enough time in the day for everything, but our system works really well for us and I appreciate my husband so much for how much he does around the house and all that he does to try to make things easier on me.
I do agree that staying at home is definantly a more comfortable environment, but a job none the less. And for those households where both parents work, they both have to come home and “work at home” after a day at the office. So what it comes down to, no matter what you do, if you have children you’re gonna be “on duty” around the clock. And it’s definantly not fair for the partner who works out of the home, to not want to help out at home for that reason. I’ve heard many situations where the working parent switched places and decided to stay home, and at the end of it confessed that its much easier to go to work, where things are typically predictable, and everything should be done an orderly way. Where order and predictability are words we “at home spouses” often know nothing about.

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What about working moms who do it all also? Yes, daycare watches them during the day while I work but when they are sick, guess who gets to take care of them and to the doctor? Yeap, me the mom. I still do all the cooking, cleaning, entertaining the kids, grooming, bath time, laundry, errands while I work full time. Now I’m not always home with them 24/7 like a sahm so I can imagine it sucks to be around all the crying, screaming and nagging all day but he point is, I work full time and I still do all that other stuff in addition. My down time is when I go to sleep and my husband gets to watch tv and relax when he gets home from work. Fair? Probably not but we are a team and we just suck it up because one day all of this will be over when the kids get older and we’ll miss it. Take turns for sure! Not saying sahm should bear all the burden because I sure do ask for help when I’m super super tired from work and my husband has no issues making dinner some night (I’m the cook in my fmily and love to cook and hubby is OK but I’m not going to complain if he’s offering). Find your balance. I’ve been a sahm (for almost 2 yrs) and it sucked because you lose yourself in the madness and yes I used to get mad at he hubby for not giving me a break after work but now that I think about it, it’s freaking hard either way.

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confused dad Reply:

@Suzan, would all of you still feel the same if you were a sahm and you had a stay in maid/nanny, that does all the house chores, help prep the dinner but not help with the childeren (showers/diapers). Do you still think its fair when dad comes home and he has to shower the kids and put them to bed and on the weekends give mommy a break? even with this my mrs thinks i have an easier life.

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I really liked this post. I was looking up things to help me to help my husband understand I am feeling so very very drained. I try to remember this is his first baby and he is a GUY. He didn’t grow up playing house, dressing baby dolls etc. and he didn’t work in childcare for years, he didn’t babysit from the age of 9 like I did. And while the pregnancy was hard and the 3 month NICU stay was harder for me it wasn’t easy for him either.
I asked my husband to read this article so maybe he will. I do think you “get it.” I don’t think many men do, especially those first few months after baby is home when there is so little rest, so many, many hormones, contractions as the body is recovering.
If YOU’ve had a long day at work SHE has had a long day with the kids. If you work 16 hours and are all worn out, the same goes for her.
I know I really REALLY REALLY need time EVERYDAY that I am not the sole care provider. I need sometime that I don’t have to listen for the baby, get my 9 year old to stay on task or have any demands made on me.
I’m sure my husband would like the same.
I tried setting things up to where at night one of us would get up with the baby then the other but I have to wake him up because he doesn’t wake with the baby. So I wake him every time unless I am already wide awake, to change the diaper. This way I can wake up enough to feed the baby sitting upright, he eats more that way and wakes less frequently.
I have no desire to work for pay outside the home but everytime I try to explain what I’d like in this note it makes me want to cry because it’s things my husband just isn’t good at helping with, like talking. Sigh

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